Divorce is one of life's most stressful events, and with more than half of all marriages in the US ending in divorce, the problem is serious. It is an extremely tough time for everyone, especially when there are children involved! Change is typically not easy for most people, especially when the very core of their family unit has drastically changed. 

The parents  

Anytime a relationship fails we tend to blame ourselves and wonder what we might have done differently. It is a time of upset and angst. After the separation many parents feel their world is crumbling and they are faced with emotions they've perhaps never felt before. Often, they are angry and bitter, especially if infidelity or other dishonesty occurred to cause the break-up.

They are dealing with their feelings and emotions, trying to keep their heads above water. Today's economic crisis is not helping matters. Stay-at-home parents are finding themselves out looking for jobs in a very competitive job market. 

One thing to remember - at one time you loved each other, you were attracted to each other, and you meant more than anyone else in the world to each other. You shared the most magnificent event parents can share - having children together. That is why the pain is so great when things don't work out. But, for the sake of the kids, if you can try to hold onto some of the love you had for one another and to see some of the good you once saw in each other, it can help eliminate some of the pain and hurt. 

The kids

Kids often seem like they're taking it well, not saying much and doing what they can to cope. But what parents sometimes don't know is deep down their kids are silently hurting. Their world has collapsed and they are not sure what is going to happen to them and their family. I remember the fear I felt as a kid when my parents argued. Many of my friends, even back then, had parents who were divorcing and it was really frightening to think this could happen in my own family, too. 

Many kids and teens blame themselves for their parents' divorce. I've heard kids say, "If only I'd made my bed everyday and mom didn't have to yell at me, maybe they wouldn't have gotten a divorce." Or, "It's all my fault! I made my mom really mad and I heard her yelling at my dad. I'm sure that's why they're getting a divorce."

Kids don't understand the complexities of adult relationships and why sometimes their parents just don't get along anymore. While some kids will appear to be doing fine at first, be assured they are hurting inside. They internalize everything and carry a heavy burden of guilt, fear, and anxiety, hoping and praying their parents will get back together.

Tending to what matters

Eventually, if these emotions and fears are not tended to kids and teens will act out in ways that are often very disturbing to parents. There are ways to alleviate many of the problems associated with the breakup of a family. Being informed and learning ways to cope are extremely crucial at this time.
 

It's important to remember that a child and teen's family is the single most important and solid thing in their life. The breakup of that unit is a kid's worse fear and nightmare. One 13-year old said, "I tried everything to keep them together. When my mom threw all my dad's stuff out the window I tried bringing it back in the house. They got mad at me and told me to stay out of it. I hung onto his car door so that he couldn't leave. But no matter what I did my dad left us and the hurt won't go away". 

Neither of her parents had addressed the fact their daughter was hurting and that she, too, was being affected by their decision to divorce. They were so wrapped up in their own pain, their own struggles to get through this very painful time in their lives, that they'd not really thought about how their teen was handling it all until it was nearly too late. This girl began lashing out, her grades fell, she started drinking and smoking pot. She told me that she didn't even like doing those things. She was trying to get her parents' attention. Luckily, they took action before things escalated and before it was too late.

They realized that all of their fighting, pitting their teen one against the other, was causing her an enormous amount of anxiety and fear. Once they grasped the fact that the divorce is there issue, it's an adult issue, and once they began applying the tools provided they began to see improvements. They learned that a splintered marriage did not have to result in a splintered family.

Working together - for the sake of the kids

Parents who work together for the sake of their children will see that holding together the core family unit can be a reality for their kids, even if their parents are apart. So while your marriage is falling apart, remember your family doesn't have to. 

The Kid-Friendly Divorce class is designed for parents who want this to be a reality for their kids, and who want to work together as a team rather than making it bitter to the end.

There's help for parents

If you are going through a divorce and you feel you need help coping you can contact me by either e-mailing me at coaching@positivefamilysolutions.com or by calling me at (360) 723-5253. I offer a free 30-minute consultation where we can explore what steps you can take to make yours a kid-friendly divorce. Not only will your children benefit, but your entire family will benefit.

Written by:

Isabelle Zehnder
Certified Family Coach
Specializing in Family and Teen Issues