Coaching for Families - Building Healthy Family Relationships
POSITIVE FAMILY SOLUTIONS™
POSITIVE FAMILY SOLUTIONS™
Parent Coaching - Teen Coaching - Family Coaching
Overindulgence and hyper-parenting:
Interviews with the experts!
I asked several experts and authors what message they’d like to me to share with parents. Here's what they had to say.
Jean Clarke, Ph.D., co-author of How Much is Enough? Said: “Overindulgence almost always comes from a good heart. When you figure out you’re doing it then instead teach your child to do for himself. You are the one who runs the family. Don’t expect life to always be fun, it’s not. And stop giving a directive with an “OK?” at the end. In other words, don’t say, “Alex, put on your shoes, OK?”
Jean said How Much is Enough? is based on seven research studies that revealed too much stuff, soft structure (not enough rules, no chores) and over-nurturing were hurting kids.
We talked about chores and how parents and kids view them as drudgery. But what if we helped our kids see that chores are not something to be dreaded? Doing chores is a learning process, Jean said.
There are five steps to chores – (1) know what the job is; (2) learn how to do it; (3) do it; (4) finish it; and (5) put everything away when you’re done.
Connie Dawson, Ph.D., who also co-authored How Much is Enough? said that parents often get the incorrect messages of what’s good for their kids and what it means to be a good parent. She encourages parents to take time to see how they are nurturing their kids and structuring their family lives so that they don’t block the healthy development of their kids. She believes that’s the last thing parents want to do. She also said that sometimes when we’re in the middle of the soup, so to speak, it’s hard to see there’s a problem.
In today’s culture parents are swimming upstream, she said. She encourages parents not to throw their hands up feeling as though they’ve somehow failed. She hopes instead they will recognize that small voice that’s telling them they need to pay attention, reach out, and learn what they can do differently. It takes a bold and courageous person to do this.
David Bredehoft, Ph.D., again who also co-authored How much is enough? said he hopes that parents will understand the seriousness of overindulgence when it comes to our kids. He believes it probably affects us all in some way and that it can show up in three different areas: too much, over-nurturing, and soft structure. David agrees with me that this is not a blame game and that it’s about finding a balance.
He said in Wisconsin there are rumble strips on both sides of the highway to warn drivers if they’ve gone too far and are about to run off the road or into a ditch. I remember running over rumble strips while driving through a deserted area of Nevada. They got my attention! They were loud and shook the car. I immediately got back on track. When we have knowledge and understanding that what we’re doing could be hurting our kids we can listen for those warning signs and get ourselves back on track.
As Carl Honore, author of Under Pressure, was dashing (slowly, of course) off to Whales for a week on a barge with his kids he sent me an e-mail with his message to parents: “One thought for parents and adults in general: Children are not products or projects; they are people. We need to give them the time and space to work out who they are, rather than what we want them to be.”
Overindulgence and hyper-parenting:
Interviews with the experts!
I asked several experts and authors what message they’d like to me to share with parents. Here's what they had to say.
Jean Clarke, Ph.D., co-author of How Much is Enough? Said: “Overindulgence almost always comes from a good heart. When you figure out you’re doing it then instead teach your child to do for himself. You are the one who runs the family. Don’t expect life to always be fun, it’s not. And stop giving a directive with an “OK?” at the end. In other words, don’t say, “Alex, put on your shoes, OK?” Jean said How Much is Enough? is based on seven research studies that revealed too much stuff, soft structure (not enough rules, no chores) and over-nurturing were hurting kids.
We talked about chores and how parents and kids view them as drudgery. But what if we helped our kids see that chores are not something to be dreaded? Doing chores is a learning process, Jean said.
There are five steps to chores – (1) know what the job is; (2) learn how to do it; (3) do it; (4) finish it; and (5) put everything away when you’re done.
Connie Dawson, Ph.D., who also co-authored How Much is Enough? said that parents often get the incorrect messages of what’s good for their kids and what it means to be a good parent. She encourages parents to take time to see how they are nurturing their kids and structuring their family lives so that they don’t block the healthy development of their kids. She believes that’s the last thing parents want to do. She also said that sometimes when we’re in the middle of the soup, so to speak, it’s hard to see there’s a problem. In today’s culture parents are swimming upstream, she said. She encourages parents not to throw their hands up feeling as though they’ve somehow failed. She hopes instead they will recognize that small voice that’s telling them they need to pay attention, reach out, and learn what they can do differently. It takes a bold and courageous person to do this.
David Bredehoft, Ph.D., again who also co-authored How much is enough? said he hopes that parents will understand the seriousness of overindulgence when it comes to our kids. He believes it probably affects us all in some way and that it can show up in three different areas: too much, over-nurturing, and soft structure. David agrees with me that this is not a blame game and that it’s about finding a balance.
He said in Wisconsin there are rumble strips on both sides of the highway to warn drivers if they’ve gone too far and are about to run off the road or into a ditch. I remember running over rumble strips while driving through a deserted area of Nevada. They got my attention! They were loud and shook the car. I immediately got back on track. When we have knowledge and understanding that what we’re doing could be hurting our kids we can listen for those warning signs and get ourselves back on track.
As Carl Honore, author of Under Pressure, was dashing (slowly, of course) off to Whales for a week on a barge with his kids he sent me an e-mail with his message to parents: “One thought for parents and adults in general: Children are not products or projects; they are people. We need to give them the time and space to work out who they are, rather than what we want them to be.”______________________________________________________
Isabelle Zehnder
Certified Family Coach
Specializing in Family and Teen Issues
www.positivefamilysolutions.com
coaching@positivefamilysolutions.com
Tel: (360) 723-5253
